The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
