i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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