explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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