Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
