I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize