I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
