I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish you could order shots online.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
