Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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