checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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