so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I need to stop coming to work sober
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
