They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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