Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This is classic penis vs brain.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
