You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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