Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
