you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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