I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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