I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
