just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
