i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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