My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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