Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
