WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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