She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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