I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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