someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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