I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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