he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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