glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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