if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
someone get that fucking seahorse.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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