I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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