We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
