It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
