i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
