Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
