He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
