my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
