"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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