martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
