This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
