Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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