sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
