Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
