I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
