so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
