I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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