Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I am naked and annoyed.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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