I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
