he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
