I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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