ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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