Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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