so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
