wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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