Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
