the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
