I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
