I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
