On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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