The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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