I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
