You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
