FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just found puke in my bra..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
