you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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