That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
