kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
