I faked an abortion last night.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
